I have an alter ego, who for now is remaining a bit of a secret. I have many reasons for this but primarily what I write has the potential to affect others experiences. For now both her identity and my blog are delicious but separate secrets.
She is how I explore a world and lifestyle in Second Life that is intoxicating, tantalising, terrifying and wonderful in equal measures. She enables me explore the world of Gor and BDSM & D/s safely and within the parameters set by my first life. I have been in SL over 11 years at the time off writing and have spent most of that exploring both what it had to offer, and what was already inside myself.
I always knew how I felt, I always knew I was drawn to the world of kink, D/s and BDSM but what I didn’t know was that there was a whole other lot of people who felt the same. It was a relief to know that I wasn’t weird or dysfunctional, depraved or somehow wired wrongly. That what I felt, craved and desired was just as natural as breathing. Not only was I accepted, I was welcomed, celebrated and embraced.
I discovered a sheer love of role playing on Gorean sims. I devoured the books, I threw myself into role-play using my character to explore many aspects of it. I found myself falling naturally into the role of a slave.
I made mistakes, some big some small, some completely devastating, I have been hurt, and I have hurt others. Not with intention or malice but thoughtlessness, ego and pride. How many of the 7 deadly sins have I committed? Possibly all off them.
Many people don’t like to let you forget your mistakes. Some just don’t like you to change, it scares them. Others simply don’t see the changes you make and you spend your time justifying who you are becoming.
“She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It’s easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.”
With a burning desire for a clean slate, I left behind my character and history, and along with them, bad habits and routines that I had unwittingly fallen into.
This was a conscious, planned decision. Not a knee jerk reaction to a bad situation. I didn’t feel I was running away, rather I had outgrown who I was and like a snake shedding her skin I evolved. The process was planned, right down to the name I agonized over, the look I would create, what I would explore next. I no longer wanted to feel weighed down with the past, with mistakes and preconceived ideas. I wanted to feel light, care free and not have to validate every step I made, every word I uttered. I told one single person, my best friend in the world. He held my hand, encouraged me and allowed me to step into the light.
And now, this amazing man has become my Master, one that stretches way beyond the boundaries of role-play and Second Life. Who I talk to daily, who has influenced and affected my RL more than he can comprehend. Don’t doubt the power of an online ownership, its has different but equally effective dynamics.
He has encouraged me, supported me and never once wavered in his love for me. I have not always been his slave and submissive, I have not always acted as his submissive should. But still he has persevered, frustratingly resolute when I have pushed against his care. He has calmed the roar of my demons.
So now I come to you share with you, some of the past, present and hopefully my future.
Recently, I compared my past life to being a crumbling mess beneath a carefully cultivated exterior. The proverbial swan gliding on the surface while paddling frantically beneath the surface. Drowning not waving.
I strive now not to be picture perfect, distracting my weaknesses with window dressing. I strive now to be aware of those flaws and flourish despite then.
I am lucky I have the strongest hand to guide me.
My Master, my best friend. My everything.